So I’ve been “tapped” to write an article about dating. Because if there is one thing I know A LOT about and kick ass at, it’s dating.  While I try to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw *gag* professionally, here is how I really feel on the subject. Here we go, Mizz Danglezz foolproof advice for dating success:

1. Don’t do it.

2. Empower yourself; buy a businesswoman (or man) suit with shoulder pads. The bigger, the better. Bonus: You can rest your head on your own shoulder and pretend it’s some hot, burly man…or woman.

Okay, if you do decide to set yourself up for failure and do the four-letter deed, here are some real tipZ:

1. Lower your expectations. I once attended a Buddhist class about letting go of expectations. Needless to say, the class sucked.

2. Smash and dash. Repeat only once if you really need to. #desperation

3. Make sure you have plans the next morning to get out of any sticky situation (in more ways than one).

4. Fellas aka sleazebags, pretend you are gay. Alcohol often impairs a woman’s gaydar. While you are at it, follow through and live out your gay fantasies – become our BFFs instead of making our lives hell. The grass is greener on the other side (backdoor).

5. Womenz, compliment a man’s hair or his shiny bald head. Men are surprisingly vain about their facial hair (or lack thereof), and it’s the main thing they make any effort to groom, even hippies. Actually, especially hippies.

6. Read 50 Shades of Grey, and make this profound piece of literature your bible. Yes, all women want to be degraded like this, and all men want to wear ripped jeans and hip hugger slacks. And they all want to d*** each other. HOT.